Thing is, an hour drive outside of Nashville is… well… kinda scary sometimes.

On the way, I drove through a little town of 900-something people where everything – streets, high school, etc. – is named after a Confederate Lieutenant General and first Grand Wizard of the Klan. It seems this little town was his birthplace. I stopped and took a picture of the monument in front of the town hall. (Not visible in the picture is the giant Confederate flag perched on top.) As I passed through the area, there were churches on almost every corner. On the corners that didn’t have churches were ammo stores. There’s a restaurant called Sambo’s. The town is 3% Black. Three. Percent. There’s not a single Black faculty member at the local high school.

I guess sometimes I forget that this world exists. There are young people growing up thinking that type of environment is not only normal, but right. We still have so far to go in this Beautiful Struggle.

*Title quotation from Forrest Gump.

6 doses of Frontline Plus for small dogs = total of 4.02 mL = roughly $70 online

6 doses of Frontline Plus for extra large dogs = total of 24.12 mL = roughly $74 online

So I spent $74 on 6 doses of extra large, bought an amber glass medicine bottle for $5, and got a 1 mL syringe for free from the CVS pharmacist. Since the dosage for a 12 lb dog is about .5 mL, divide 24.12 mL by .5, and this means…

I just got 48 doses of Frontline Plus for the same price I was getting 6 doses before. This will last me two years if I only use it on my two dogs (but of course I’ll use it on fosters too). According to the Frontline website, their products do not expire if stored properly.

I have the dosage info for different weights of dogs, if anyone wants it.

WOW. Tremendous savings.

Basically.

I’m more loyal to individual pieces of gear/gadgetry that do what I need them to do and meet my needs as a geek and consumer. Over the past year, I went from loving my Windows Mobile smartphone to swearing I’d never go back after I had my first taste of Android heaven. If a device solves a problem of mine or makes my life easier, I’m all about it. If it’s less expensive than its competitors or alternatives, I’m about it even more.

With that said, I don’t “get” the iPad hype. To clarify – I can see how *some people* might find it interesting and/or useful, but I’m not one of those people, and especially not for over $400.

Someone said today that the iPad is a middle ground between the iPhone and a netbook. If that’s true, that explains why I have absolutely no desire to have one. I am currently using an Android smartphone. There is not a single core smartphone feature an iPhone has that my Android does not. In fact, there are several features mine *does* have that an iPhone doesn’t. I also pay a lot less money per month than iPhone users do. As far as a netbook is concerned, I have never once had an occasion where I said, “Wow, I sure wish I had a much smaller, less powerful laptop on which to surf the web and type uncomfortably.” I also don’t use a Kindle or similar device, so the “it’s the Kindle-killer” draw doesn’t get me either.

To Apple fanboys, this is blasphemy. I must not have ever used an Apple product, otherwise I’d be hooked and putting in my iPad pre-order right now. They retort that I’m just an “Apple hater.” False. Let me say that I really like my husband’s Macbook, and I wouldn’t mind having one of my own. I think they have the best all-around notebooks on the market. I don’t hate Apple.

It’s just that I would rather use more affordable technology that works better (for me) than jump on their bandwagon “just because.” For example, Rhapsody is far superior to iTunes for many reasons, not the least of which is unlimited music for $14 a month. I cannot use Rhapsody with an iPod or iPhone in the way that I can with my Sansa player. I don’t want an iPod Touch or any other product that’s dependent on iTunes for music.

I mean yeah, I like to go into the Apple store and tinker around sometimes, and I’m sure I’ll try out the iPad for giggles… but to pay for it? Not for me. I guess I just haven’t found the Apple device that will make me spend more money to get what I already have.

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Matthew Horning was at work on the 95th floor of the North Tower of the World Trade Center on 9/11/01. He was a database administrator for Marsh and McLennan, beginning his morning, making a living. He was 26 years old, and was about to propose to his beautiful girlfriend, Maura. Those cowards stole his life and his future. They stole a lifetime of dreams, plans, and memories.

So much has changed in the world since Matthew was murdered, but that day is forever seared into the American memory. People have debated the events… who was responsible, who wasn’t involved, and what we should do about it. We’ve fought wars, given opinions on radio talk shows and made films. The memory of 9/11 has been the catalyst for military and firefighting careers. “Terrorism” is a part of even children’s vocabularies. September 11th has changed America forever.

As I think of the best way to honor Matthew, I think my friend Joy said it best in a blog comment four years ago:

“… As our lives go on and the tributes end, may we pick up the mantle of freedom and not impose it on others, but live it out in our daily lives. May we see the unseen, may we feed the hungry, and clothe the naked, and touch our fellow man with love and hope. Loving one another is the greatest honor we can give those we lost.”

I strive to honor Matthew in this way, by loving others and defending freedom.

Matthew, you are not forgotten.

DeVelle, I miss you so much. I only got to know you for a couple of days, but I will forever cherish the memories of the time you spent with Mike and me in Tennessee. I’ll never forget your smiling face the second I met you, chips and salsa at La Siesta, or you sweetly complimenting “you look really pretty today” after my long, tiring day at work on Thursday. I’ll always remember the cookout that night, and our trip to downtown Nashville to see the sights. You were so excited about spending time in the studio with Mike, learning about recording. We were both looking forward to watching your career blossom, and to forming a lifelong relationship with you. We think of you and smile every time we see the “Vijay” sign in our neighborhood. That can forever be our little inside joke.

I wish we could have visited North Dakota with you while you were still here. You were right – ND mosquitos are worse.

This isn’t goodbye… It’s “see you later.” And we will. Love you forever.

Miss you so much, Develle.

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Mike’s 21 year old cousin Develle and his girlfriend Victoria were visiting Nashville from Grand Forks, ND. Develle was an aspiring country songwriter and was visiting Nashville for the first time, living his dream. He and Victoria road tripped down here, got a nice hotel room at the Sheraton Music City and were having the time of their lives.

Victoria and Develle on their way to Nashville

The four of us had spent Wednesday and Thursday evening together. We went out for Mexican food Wednesday, then Thursday we barbecued here at the house and then took them to downtown Nashville.

Develle, me and Mike

Develle had been hanging out with Mike in the studio during the days, learning about music and recording. Mike was helping him decide how to put together his home studio. Mike and Develle had met when they were little children, but this was the first time they had ever really spent time together. They were having a blast.

Friday afternoon, Develle came over to our house. Mike let him in and they went upstairs. Develle said he needed to hit the bathroom, so Mike went into the studio to wait on him. A few minutes later, Mike heard strange noises. He ran over and banged on the door. Develle said to come in, that he needed help. He went in to help, and Develle was collapsed on the floor. His speech was impaired, he was breathing very heavily, and drifting in and out. Sometimes he was responsive and sometimes not. Mike called 911, and followed instructions until paramedics took over.

Develle did not survive. We don’t know if he died at our home, or in the ambulance, but he was not alive when he arrived at the hospital.

Develle’s girlfriend Victoria was at their hotel in Nashville when everything happened. He had bought her a spa day for her birthday. I kept calling, but her cell phone was dead, so Mike and I drove over there last night and told her the news. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. She kept asking, “Really guys? Really?” We’re all struggling to believe it.

She stayed last night with us, along with Mike’s uncle John and his son, John, Jr. who drove down from Kentucky. They went today to pack up the hotel room, get Develle’s car, and get Develle’s belongings from the medical examiner. They took Victoria to Kentucky today to stay with her family.

The autopsy results will be back Tuesday. We do know Develle had been under treatment recently for blood clots. He was taking medication for them. He had been coughing some on Thursday evening, and was really fatigued. We don’t know if there was an underlying issue, or what exactly happened. Everything is such a mystery.

Thursday night, he was so alive. He told me I looked pretty. We joked about North Dakota mosquitos. He told us about his songwriting aspirations…

Please keep Develle’s family in your prayers. Also remember his girlfriend, Victoria. She is so lost and devastated. They adored one another. Mike is having a really difficult time too. He keeps replaying the whole incident in his mind. He’s really struggling. Even though we are comforted that Develle was with family (Mike) in his last moments, we are still in shock. Develle was an amazing young man with a huge heart. I only met him on Wednesday but I miss him terribly.

called you sunday past
hallmark said it was time
for some contrived day
invented to sell cards and FTD bouquets
and add to radio morning show trivia
give you lip service between station identification
and the phrase that pays
but I refuse to equate your status
to that of national egg month and secretaries’ week
because before it was the fashion

you took your daughters to work…

I.

all three of them in pigtails
when your young wife went away
your dreams snatched away with a shock
so in the midst of depression
economic and otherwise
you raised three little girls
who would raise little girls
who would raise little girls
who would one day hope to
raise little girls to be just like
the great grandma they never knew
who somehow held your heart despite
seventy years of loneliness
empty beds, empty wallets, empty cupboards
I met you fifty years after the storm
loved to visit your farm and trailer home
find peacock feathers and arrowheads
in fields that you plowed
building on the dreams of ancestors long since passed
now I build on yours
you slipped away with your daughters by your side–
and their daughters
who for some reason never considered it a failure
that you came eight years short of your hundred-year promise
your littlest girl
had a littlest girl
who had a little girl
… so that promise is unbroken

II.

standing in afternoon windowpane shadows
laughing melancholy memories
about how grandpa Arbra used to notice
your every six-month pictures of your five-minus-one
and say “you shore do have a lot of grandbabies”
we never bothered to correct him because
what’s the harm in overestimating your hand in creation
maybe it’s just that he could see the future

so your fingertips trace the photos
like the wings of a butterfly
“look here at Arbra and G.S.
they’re both gone now”
and you choked on a tear
“and this… is my mother…
it’s almost scary how much
your mother looks like her.
you know, Les, I feel so cheated.
I never had a mother.
I never had a grandmother.
I don’t even know what kind of person she was
or what her laugh sounded like.
all I know is my dad never loved another woman
like he loved her”
and all I can tell you is that
despite having no example to follow
you made the best mother
and the best grandmother
and I’m thankful to know the sound of your laughter
and I’m thankful to have known what makes you cry
and to see the pride
and tears in your eyes

III.

we’ve been to hell and back
on many an occasion
told me I was special from day one
tuesday’s child… full of grace
sprang from the heart of a woman-child
with but an eighteen year headstart
on the marathon of the ages
I’ve grown accustomed to hearing
about your beauty and poise and contagious joy
how bubbly your laugh and beautiful your smile
and sparkling your green eyes
but your beauty to me comes not from
how many heads you still turn
at high school football games
you were beautiful singing me to sleep
“I love you Leslie…
oh yes I do…
I don’t love anyone…
as much as you…”
at age three those words made me cry
you were beautiful while trying to hide your pain
while staring it in the face
because I had my father’s eyes
you were beautiful when your second
little girl
slipped through the fingers of your heart
and into eternity
you were beautiful when you held me
in steamy bathrooms wheezing
unable to afford hospital beds but
providing the best medicine
you are beautiful now
when you smile at your baby girl
walking across stages
chasing papers
and cry with your baby girl
picking up the pieces of her heart
you are beautiful when you pray
and beautiful when you speak
you are beautiful when you sleep

and beautiful when you… live

you bear not only an uncanny physical resemblance
to your grandmother
but a spiritualemotional one as well
you have begun the next pattern
in the woven tapestry of life
and as long as words are spoken
and dreams are unbroken…

you are living